Hey there!
Did I get your attention with the title of this post? I hope so! Today I experienced a bit of relief, well more than just a bit. I was able to put my finger on my feelings and I discovered something about myself that I have known for a long time but did not really connect it to my relationships in the sense that I have come to realize today. I have a feeling, this discovery I made about myself, may also be a discovery others could make about themselves.
Attention. Whether we admit it or not, we all like some sort of attention. Even shy people like a little attention. Not the kind of attention people get when they are acting a fool or when you are out in front of a lot of people and everyone is looking at you. The kind of attention we get from significant others or people we feel are special in our lives. Maybe I should just speak for myself, but I like getting phone calls, text messages, emails, special gifts at work just because. It feels nice to know that someone is thinking about you.
When you are in a relationship or have someone special, you tend to get that attention. I know I did. So as I sat and thought today, I began to think about what I really miss. Do I really miss the person who purposely betrayed my trust and lied to my face over and over or do I miss what the person gave me. Attention! The attention made me feel special, made me feel like I was wanted. Quite frankly, I could get the attention from anyone else and feel just as special. Am I an attention seeker? No, I don't think so but I like to hear my phone ringing, I like to talk to someone, text someone, be asked to go to the movies with someone.
So when you think about the person who hurt you or broke your heart and you miss them and maybe even consider going back for another try, think deeper into what you are really missing? Do you miss being lied to? Do you miss feeling as though the person is never genuine? Do you miss being cheated on? Or do you miss having someone checking for you, someone who makes you think they are thinking of you, or just having your phone ring or vibrate from calls or texts? I think I just like my phone blowing up..lol. I don't miss the lying, cheating, intentionally evil person who never deserved me. As a matter of fact, when you think about it, you probably have a sense of relief not to have to worry about what the person is doing, where the person is, who the person is with, or if the person is lying to you. I know I do!
Realizing what I miss was not the actual person who I never really knew in the first place, but the attention, was quite refreshing. I feel like I have learned something deeper about myself. It has definitely helped with the process. I can move forward knowing what I valued most in any of my relationships. It was always the attention. Makes me question if I loved the actual person or just the attention. Hmmm...something to think about yourself also. Now that I am aware of what I loved so much, I can now get to the root of why I love it so much. Looking deeper into yourself and what you feel can be the most rewarding thing that you can ever do! Let God show you what's going on inside you and then give it to Him to heal or to turn it into something for His glory! Open up to yourself, find out about yourself, and let God repair and prepare you because GREATER IS COMING!
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
To The Other Woman
I'd like to take the time to speak to the dreaded "other woman" today. The topic has been on my mind. (I was watching Love & Hip Hop last night, my guilty pleasure, and I felt really bad for Shay) If you don't watch the show, you probably don't know what I am talking about but this young lady is where I was a few years ago, continually drawn back into this man's love triangle with the inability to tell him no. This will not be a "bash" post but rather an informative yet encouraging post, in my hopes anyway.
When we think of the "other woman", we often think of the home wrecking female who has no self-respect and will open her legs for the attention of another woman's man. That's what she appears to be but what she really is, is a hurt woman. A woman who has fallen in love with another woman's man and cannot break the connection because the man continues to hold her on a string. It's not always the case that the woman blatantly tries to entice another woman's man, although in some cases it is, but majority of the time, this woman has made some kind of emotional connection with this man and he took advantage of that, catching her up in his love triangle. Creating in her mind that there is actually something special between them when he is only using her for his sexual pleasure. As the "other woman", you will never have his heart. His heart is with the woman he calls wife, fiancé or girlfriend. If he really cared about you, he would be claiming you and not keeping you a secret or just making house calls when it's convenient for him. He may take you to lunch every once in a while, somewhere where no one who knows his REAL woman will see. He never takes you around his family or his friends, unless you have mutual friends. The people who really matter to him has never heard your name or seen your face or he if they have, he has never introduced you as "girlfriend". It's a harsh truth but I know these things because I was in the "other woman's" shoes. I felt what she felt. I was often left lonely when the guy would go back to where his heart really was.
My heart goes out to the "other woman". She doesn't know her worth. God has a special place in his heart for us women. We are called to be virtuous wives. He calls us, "more precious than rubies"! (Proverbs 31:10). Every thing that God created is beautiful and perfect. We were "fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). We, as women, have to know our worth. When we don't know our worth or aren't affirmed in how valuable we are, we tend to settle for what we can get. We will settle for a man who is already attached because we just want somebody. I'm telling you today, YOU DESERVE MUCH MORE! If he has already put a ring on another woman's finger, he is not yours and he does not value your worth at all. If he only wants sex from you the majority of the time, he does not value your worth. Now if you are the type of woman who just does not care and you are happy with yourself for breaking up a marriage, engagement, etc., then you are in my prayers. I believe the saying "the way you got the man is the same way you will lose him". What makes you think he will suddenly change and be faithful to you if he was messing with you behind his wife's, fiancé's or girlfriend's back? You think you can put some sort of magic on him? You're probably thinking, "If I have his baby then he will have to love me". Nope, still doesn't work that way. Some of you may succeed, but you yourself know that the love won't be authentic or real. Proverbs 6:23-26 warns the man of the seductress woman or harlot (which in today's language is whore).
Ladies, I want to encourage you not to settle. Don't be some man's play toy. Don't allow him to constantly devalue you. You are worth and deserve much more than that. Proverbs 18:22 says: He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. You are somebody's "good thing", you will bring some good man favor from the Lord! Notice it says HE that finds a wife not SHE that goes looking for a man to make her husband. Ask God to prepare you for your husband, to grow you into the woman He created you to be so that when your husband finds you he will have no doubt that you are his "good thing". Know that God has something greater for you! Jeremiah 17:7 says: Blessed is the man (or woman) who trusts in the Lord and whose hope is in the Lord. Trust God to bless you! He will give you the desires of your heart if you delight yourself in Him (Psalm 37:4). I know it can be hard to tear yourself away from a man after you are emotionally invested, it may even be hard for you tell Him no, but if you continue being someone's "side chick", you will never be someone's "good thing". Believe that GREATER IS COMING and set yourself in a position to receive greater!
When we think of the "other woman", we often think of the home wrecking female who has no self-respect and will open her legs for the attention of another woman's man. That's what she appears to be but what she really is, is a hurt woman. A woman who has fallen in love with another woman's man and cannot break the connection because the man continues to hold her on a string. It's not always the case that the woman blatantly tries to entice another woman's man, although in some cases it is, but majority of the time, this woman has made some kind of emotional connection with this man and he took advantage of that, catching her up in his love triangle. Creating in her mind that there is actually something special between them when he is only using her for his sexual pleasure. As the "other woman", you will never have his heart. His heart is with the woman he calls wife, fiancé or girlfriend. If he really cared about you, he would be claiming you and not keeping you a secret or just making house calls when it's convenient for him. He may take you to lunch every once in a while, somewhere where no one who knows his REAL woman will see. He never takes you around his family or his friends, unless you have mutual friends. The people who really matter to him has never heard your name or seen your face or he if they have, he has never introduced you as "girlfriend". It's a harsh truth but I know these things because I was in the "other woman's" shoes. I felt what she felt. I was often left lonely when the guy would go back to where his heart really was.
My heart goes out to the "other woman". She doesn't know her worth. God has a special place in his heart for us women. We are called to be virtuous wives. He calls us, "more precious than rubies"! (Proverbs 31:10). Every thing that God created is beautiful and perfect. We were "fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). We, as women, have to know our worth. When we don't know our worth or aren't affirmed in how valuable we are, we tend to settle for what we can get. We will settle for a man who is already attached because we just want somebody. I'm telling you today, YOU DESERVE MUCH MORE! If he has already put a ring on another woman's finger, he is not yours and he does not value your worth at all. If he only wants sex from you the majority of the time, he does not value your worth. Now if you are the type of woman who just does not care and you are happy with yourself for breaking up a marriage, engagement, etc., then you are in my prayers. I believe the saying "the way you got the man is the same way you will lose him". What makes you think he will suddenly change and be faithful to you if he was messing with you behind his wife's, fiancé's or girlfriend's back? You think you can put some sort of magic on him? You're probably thinking, "If I have his baby then he will have to love me". Nope, still doesn't work that way. Some of you may succeed, but you yourself know that the love won't be authentic or real. Proverbs 6:23-26 warns the man of the seductress woman or harlot (which in today's language is whore).
Ladies, I want to encourage you not to settle. Don't be some man's play toy. Don't allow him to constantly devalue you. You are worth and deserve much more than that. Proverbs 18:22 says: He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. You are somebody's "good thing", you will bring some good man favor from the Lord! Notice it says HE that finds a wife not SHE that goes looking for a man to make her husband. Ask God to prepare you for your husband, to grow you into the woman He created you to be so that when your husband finds you he will have no doubt that you are his "good thing". Know that God has something greater for you! Jeremiah 17:7 says: Blessed is the man (or woman) who trusts in the Lord and whose hope is in the Lord. Trust God to bless you! He will give you the desires of your heart if you delight yourself in Him (Psalm 37:4). I know it can be hard to tear yourself away from a man after you are emotionally invested, it may even be hard for you tell Him no, but if you continue being someone's "side chick", you will never be someone's "good thing". Believe that GREATER IS COMING and set yourself in a position to receive greater!
Monday, June 10, 2013
Starting Over
Hello!
Today is my first day back at work after a month of self care. Yes, I took some time off to take care of my emotional and mental health after experiencing such devastating news, loss and change. I believe it was time well spent. I'm grateful for everyone who has been so supportive, compassionate, caring and helpful during this time. You really do find out who your real friends are when you are going through something and I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. Parents aren't as bad as we sometimes think when it comes to relationship issues. My mom, stepdad, dad and stepmom have been there for me, loving on me and protecting me every step of the way. I love that I have so many people who love me!
I realized the significance of starting over today. I returned to work, expecting questions about what's going on, why I have been gone for so long, etc. All that would have done is put me back in the place I have worked so hard to come out of. Luckily, no one brought my past hurt back to my face. All I have gotten are smiles and 'welcome back'. It has been very refreshing.
The type of job I do involves having a case load of clients. When I turned on my computer, my caseload was clear. No cases at all. This means I get to start all over. It reminded me that the previous relationship I had has also been wiped out. I get to start all over! It's refreshing to clear out the old and get ready for the new. It's scary at times because you are not really sure what you will get but you are confident from your experiences and 'training', you will be able to handle what comes at you, maybe even better than before.
I have stepped into my 'starting over' stage. It's exciting and a little nerve wrecking at the same time but I'm able to take my time and see things a lot clearer than before. I'm stress-free, I can give the proper amount of attention to the things that need it and I can prioritize things in my life a lot better. I'm starting over and working my way towards greater because GREATER IS COMING!
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Hopeless Romantic
Hiya!
So I have been thinking. Thinking about what I want in a guy, how I'd like to be treated, and the type of relationship I want when my Prince Charming makes his entrance into my healed, whole, blessed and happy life. As I thought, I realized I'm a hopeless romantic. I love all the spoiling of one another, attention, affection, support, togetherness, sweet gestures, creative date ideas, etc. I love that 'chick flick', romantic, ooey, gooey, stare into your eyes like there is no one else in the world that matters kind of love. I guess that's just me being a girl.
I don't think it's a long shot though. That type of love really does exist. It even existed in the bible days. The book of Song of Solomon is a book of love letters. Chapter 1 starts off with: Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is better than wine. 2:4-5 He brought me to the banqueting house and his banner over me was love. Sustain me with cakes of raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am lovesick.4:5 (the man speaking of his woman) Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, which feed among the lilies. 4:11Your lips, O my spouse, drip as the honeycomb. Honey and milk are under your tongue. That is just a little sample of how Solomon adored his woman and she adored him. I want that Solomon type of love!
Love is not only adoration. Love is a choice, its an action. Love means resisting the temptation of a 'harlot' who continually tries to seduce you or the man that is trying to make an emotional connection with you in order to get into your panties. Love means supporting one another and trying your best to bless one another, emotionally and physically. God know what type of love we desire and I believe He will grant us the desires of our heart as long add we commit our complete selves to Him and allow things to happen in His timing. As I read Song of Solomon, I get excited because I know God is setting it all up. He's showing me through Himself what real love is and how wonderful His love is. God is preparing me for Himself and for my 'Solomon'! If you are humbling yourself to God's will, I believe He is doing the same thing for you, whether you be male or female. Believe it or not... GREATER IS COMING!
So I have been thinking. Thinking about what I want in a guy, how I'd like to be treated, and the type of relationship I want when my Prince Charming makes his entrance into my healed, whole, blessed and happy life. As I thought, I realized I'm a hopeless romantic. I love all the spoiling of one another, attention, affection, support, togetherness, sweet gestures, creative date ideas, etc. I love that 'chick flick', romantic, ooey, gooey, stare into your eyes like there is no one else in the world that matters kind of love. I guess that's just me being a girl.
I don't think it's a long shot though. That type of love really does exist. It even existed in the bible days. The book of Song of Solomon is a book of love letters. Chapter 1 starts off with: Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is better than wine. 2:4-5 He brought me to the banqueting house and his banner over me was love. Sustain me with cakes of raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am lovesick.4:5 (the man speaking of his woman) Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, which feed among the lilies. 4:11Your lips, O my spouse, drip as the honeycomb. Honey and milk are under your tongue. That is just a little sample of how Solomon adored his woman and she adored him. I want that Solomon type of love!
Love is not only adoration. Love is a choice, its an action. Love means resisting the temptation of a 'harlot' who continually tries to seduce you or the man that is trying to make an emotional connection with you in order to get into your panties. Love means supporting one another and trying your best to bless one another, emotionally and physically. God know what type of love we desire and I believe He will grant us the desires of our heart as long add we commit our complete selves to Him and allow things to happen in His timing. As I read Song of Solomon, I get excited because I know God is setting it all up. He's showing me through Himself what real love is and how wonderful His love is. God is preparing me for Himself and for my 'Solomon'! If you are humbling yourself to God's will, I believe He is doing the same thing for you, whether you be male or female. Believe it or not... GREATER IS COMING!
Saturday, June 8, 2013
June 8th
Hey everyone,
Today is a special day, very dear to my heart. It's my older brother's birthday! He would be 35 today. Bobby LaRon Johnson. He passed away when I was only 12 years old. He was just 18. He took his life in the basement of his grandmother's home. That was probably the worst day of my life. I can remember praying to God, begging Him to just let my brother live. I was making all kinds of promises on my brother's behalf of what he would do if God let him live. Now that I think about it, from a very young age I knew to petition God in prayer and I remember praying hard; crying out to God and rebuking the hands of Satan and his demons. After all of that, my brother did not make it. You would think I would have been mad at God and never prayed again but I wasn't. I can't remember being mad at God at all. I don't even remember experiencing any greif. Of course I was hurt not to be able to see my brother again but I don't remember crying much. I remember being angry that my big brother left me. He left me here alone and unprotected. Yeah, my dad was a part of my life but he did not live in my home and he didn't really seem to know exactly what to do as a father. My brother made me feel safe and kept knuckle head boys away from me. I felt abandoned but I never stopped loving him. He's still the most important guy to me. This day of his birth will always be special to me.
Today was also supposed to be my wedding day. Because I had included my Pastor, my fiancé and I had decided to get married today at 3pm rather than elope. My Pastor was ready and willing. This delighted my heart so much because of the significance of it being my brother's birthday. I was so happy and thought it was my dream come true. I had wanted to get married on this special day, no matter who I was marrying. I would be getting ready to walk down the aisle at this very moment to pledge my life to a man I never knew. To a man that would lie to me, disrespect me, dishonor me, cheat on me and whatever else he was doing that I was unaware of. I would be getting ready to ruin my life forever or at least for the next 18 years, having to deal with a very immautre baby mama. Naw, I'd say my life would be ruined forever because a liar will always be a liar and a cheater always a cheater. I know for a fact, and he knows, I deserve way better and I will never settle. I'm not an average girl, I'm above average so I won't settle for nothing less!
I believe that God loves me too much to allow me to stay in a place where I will not be able to experience His best. He will not allow me to be caught up in a bunch of nonsense and immature drama. I believe God protected me from harm. Yes, finding out I was lied to and cheated on for so long hurt but at least I don't have children with this man or have to go through the pain of divorce. A lot of the time we have the wrong perspective when things don't go the way we hoped or planned and seem like everything has fallen apart, when really God is moving things out of the way or restructuring thinngs to turn out the way He purposed. God's way supercedes our own way. His way is way better than we ever could have imagined. God loves you too much not to set you up for His very best! So, today, I am not going to give you a scripture. I just wanted share where I could have been, what my life could have turned out to be but by making the choice I did, not to accept that which I did not deserve, I opened the door for God to pour out all that I need and more. GREATER IS COMING!
Today is a special day, very dear to my heart. It's my older brother's birthday! He would be 35 today. Bobby LaRon Johnson. He passed away when I was only 12 years old. He was just 18. He took his life in the basement of his grandmother's home. That was probably the worst day of my life. I can remember praying to God, begging Him to just let my brother live. I was making all kinds of promises on my brother's behalf of what he would do if God let him live. Now that I think about it, from a very young age I knew to petition God in prayer and I remember praying hard; crying out to God and rebuking the hands of Satan and his demons. After all of that, my brother did not make it. You would think I would have been mad at God and never prayed again but I wasn't. I can't remember being mad at God at all. I don't even remember experiencing any greif. Of course I was hurt not to be able to see my brother again but I don't remember crying much. I remember being angry that my big brother left me. He left me here alone and unprotected. Yeah, my dad was a part of my life but he did not live in my home and he didn't really seem to know exactly what to do as a father. My brother made me feel safe and kept knuckle head boys away from me. I felt abandoned but I never stopped loving him. He's still the most important guy to me. This day of his birth will always be special to me.
Today was also supposed to be my wedding day. Because I had included my Pastor, my fiancé and I had decided to get married today at 3pm rather than elope. My Pastor was ready and willing. This delighted my heart so much because of the significance of it being my brother's birthday. I was so happy and thought it was my dream come true. I had wanted to get married on this special day, no matter who I was marrying. I would be getting ready to walk down the aisle at this very moment to pledge my life to a man I never knew. To a man that would lie to me, disrespect me, dishonor me, cheat on me and whatever else he was doing that I was unaware of. I would be getting ready to ruin my life forever or at least for the next 18 years, having to deal with a very immautre baby mama. Naw, I'd say my life would be ruined forever because a liar will always be a liar and a cheater always a cheater. I know for a fact, and he knows, I deserve way better and I will never settle. I'm not an average girl, I'm above average so I won't settle for nothing less!
I believe that God loves me too much to allow me to stay in a place where I will not be able to experience His best. He will not allow me to be caught up in a bunch of nonsense and immature drama. I believe God protected me from harm. Yes, finding out I was lied to and cheated on for so long hurt but at least I don't have children with this man or have to go through the pain of divorce. A lot of the time we have the wrong perspective when things don't go the way we hoped or planned and seem like everything has fallen apart, when really God is moving things out of the way or restructuring thinngs to turn out the way He purposed. God's way supercedes our own way. His way is way better than we ever could have imagined. God loves you too much not to set you up for His very best! So, today, I am not going to give you a scripture. I just wanted share where I could have been, what my life could have turned out to be but by making the choice I did, not to accept that which I did not deserve, I opened the door for God to pour out all that I need and more. GREATER IS COMING!
Friday, June 7, 2013
Tried In The Fire
Hi there!
I'm glad to see people are enjoying my posts. Hopefully not for spiteful intentions. I really do pray that someone is truly blessed by my words or my experience.
Today as I allow the thoughts from last night to settle, I am accepting that I am coming into a new season. Old things have passed away and all things are made new. New day, new experiences, new friends, new relationship, new and better gifts (wink). A new chance to trust, follow and obey the Almighty God and do all that I can to please Him.
James 1:2-4 reads: Count it all joy when you fall into diverse temptations (trials, hard times, trying situations); knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that you may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.
These hard times, hurtful times, disappointing times are all chances for your faith to be perfected. These are the time that we are able to show God that we trust Him, also allowing Him to perfect us spiritually and as a total person. When you think about how gold is made; it has to be placed in fire to rid it of all its impurities, refining it into the most beautiful, pure and valuable possession of all. It goes through a process.
Consider these trying and pressing times as you being tried in the fire, being purified as your faith is strengthened. And after all of this, you are coming out the most beautiful, purest and most valuable gold there will ever be in this earth!
Now that's a clear picture that after all of these things that you feel have been trying to take you down, GREATER IS COMING. You're coming out gold! Get ready to shine on! I'm getting ready! Watch me start shining!
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Can't Sleep
Good middle of the night to you.
I can't sleep so I figured I'd write. A lot is running through my head tonight. Feelings of things being unreal, like I am just stuck in a bad dream. I feel as though I am in disbelief that a person who constantly told me that he loved me could betray me then be so cold towards me. It's kind of hard to wrap my mind around. How could a person lie and pretend to be something they are not for 2 whole years? It's all mind boggling to me. If anybody has any answers to my questions, I'm all ears. I guess I ignored the signs and maybe I was in denial but I sit here flabbergasted as I think about what has occurred in my life. A life that I was planning to live with this person for eternity just to be pushed away and ignored like I never existed. Nikeya, you left him, right? Yes I did but a girl likes a little fight, am I wrong? If you love a person with all your heart, is it just that easy to let them go?
So many questions, all unanswered. They may never be answered. I may never know how that person truly felt about me ever. Will that stop me from breathing? Nope. Will that stop me from successfully moving forward and living a happy and blessed life? Not at all. I'm allowed to think those thoughts. I'm allowed to have questions. Through all of this, I truly believe God has a master plan that will exceed my highest expectations. Even though I can't understand why or how right now I know in my heart that GREATER IS COMING!
I can't sleep so I figured I'd write. A lot is running through my head tonight. Feelings of things being unreal, like I am just stuck in a bad dream. I feel as though I am in disbelief that a person who constantly told me that he loved me could betray me then be so cold towards me. It's kind of hard to wrap my mind around. How could a person lie and pretend to be something they are not for 2 whole years? It's all mind boggling to me. If anybody has any answers to my questions, I'm all ears. I guess I ignored the signs and maybe I was in denial but I sit here flabbergasted as I think about what has occurred in my life. A life that I was planning to live with this person for eternity just to be pushed away and ignored like I never existed. Nikeya, you left him, right? Yes I did but a girl likes a little fight, am I wrong? If you love a person with all your heart, is it just that easy to let them go?
So many questions, all unanswered. They may never be answered. I may never know how that person truly felt about me ever. Will that stop me from breathing? Nope. Will that stop me from successfully moving forward and living a happy and blessed life? Not at all. I'm allowed to think those thoughts. I'm allowed to have questions. Through all of this, I truly believe God has a master plan that will exceed my highest expectations. Even though I can't understand why or how right now I know in my heart that GREATER IS COMING!
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