Accept The Uncomfortable

Good day to you!

Today is a day of awakening. I wanted to share my experience in this part of my process this morning. I woke up tired of caring, tired of thinking all of the time, tired of feeling all of these hurt feelings in my heart. I made the decision in my heart not to care anymore. Not to care about the situation, the person that hurt me, anything anymore. I know I wrote in a previous post that I am praying for the people that hurt me and at that time I truly was, but today I just decided I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to pray for them right now. I don't want to think of them right now. It's not always easy to pray for those who put you in a place of hurt and who disturbed your peace but it will bring you peace with the situation when you do lift them up to God and ask Him to help them. I know it appears I am contradicting myself but hear me out.

As a human being, we have human feelings. We are not only spiritual, we are natural. Now the fight, like I said before is not natural, it is spiritual but that does not mean it has no effect on you naturally. I am at a point where my natural self cannot take anymore at this point and I want to put myself in a place of "not caring". I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing but that is where I am right now. Remember, I have never been in this exact situation before but I have had some heartbreaks and I realized once I stopped caring so much about what the other person was doing, who they were doing it with, and why they were not thinking of me, I was able to make a step closer to moving on.

This morning, God provoked me to worship. I was in a state of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that my hearts desire may not be God's plan for me. My heart wants marriage, my heart wants children of my own that have come from my loins (loins..lol...that word is sort of funny). Reality is that I began to feel as though these things are not going to happen for me. I don't know what God's plans are and that is just plain scary. I don't want to hear that God has someone for me, I don't want to hear that my husband is going to be someone great, blah, blah, blah. No one really knows what God is thinking or what God is doing so how can they tell me what is going to happen? Just being real. It began to get heavy on me that maybe I will be alone forever, maybe I will never have children of my own. I began to think that if this is God's plan for me, it just doesn't seem fair because He has given me a heart that loves so much. Why would he make me keep all of this love in??

I decided to express my feelings to God and turned on Pandora to listen to some William McDowell station. The first song was by William McDowell and it was called "Waiting". Hmmm...did God set me up? It is a simple song and the lyrics are as follows:
"The Lord is here, the Lord is here. And I can feel His presence here. And I don't know what I should do, so I will wait on You. The Lord is here, the Lord is here. And I can feel His presence near. So be still and know that He is God. Just wait...right here. Oh Lord, teach me how to wait. When there is no words to say. Even then, give me grace to stay. Right here, in the secret place. Where time doesn't matter, eternity waits, and I will not move 'till I stand face to face with You. All I want is You".

As I listened to these lyrics, I cried and cried and begged God for the grace to help me wait. God began to speak to me regarding this process. He allowed me to realize that I have never fully completed the process. Like I have said before, this my third heartbreak. The third time I have gone through hurting and crying and thinking. God has been trying to get into my heart, completely heal and restore everything He needed to but I would not let him finish. Remember I mentioned the "fillers"? The guys I would hangout with so not to be alone or in the uncomfortable position I was in, going through the process of heart repair and placing God in His rightful place in the throne of my heart. By doing this to escape the uncomfortable feelings, I was blocking God for completing the work in me.

The second song that came on Pandora right after "Waiting" was as song by Smorkie Norful called "I Understand". God, what are you doing?? Oh, I know, You're letting me know You hear me! Let me just share with you some of the words of that song:
"Sometimes I feel like giving up, seems like my best, it just ain't good enough. I feel like I've done all that I can do. Do You see me, do You care, Lord all about what I'm going through? (chorus) And then He said, one more day, just one more step. He says, I'm preparing you for Myself. And when you can't hear My voice, trust My plan. I am the Lord, I see you, yes, I understand". OMG! Right?! I cried and cried as those words spoke to me like God Himself came into the room, sat down on the bed, looked me in the eyes and said them directly to my heart! It's amazing how God will speak to you in your worship, through songs, through the word or through people. God placed it on my heart to call a friend and have her pray with me. She shared some of the word with me and what God has to say about situations like what I am going through, then she prayed while I cried. I felt a burden lift off of me and I felt like I could breathe so much easier. I feel like I received some strength to keep moving forward and never look back.

You're probably thinking, what does this stuff have to do with the title of this post? Well let me tell you! As I was worshiping God myself to these songs, praying and reading, I realized that I have never just stayed here in this uncomfortable place. This place where my heart aches, where I don't know what's to come, where I feel like I have no one who understands and it's just plain unpleasant. I have no one to make it at least a little more bearable. God enlightened me. He has me exactly where He wants me to do exactly what He needs to do. God wants me to rely on Him for everything, even companionship! He doesn't even want me to get a puppy to help me with this process. He's trying to get me to see that He is all I need! This process may be uncomfortable but it is absolutely necessary. I need to stay here and let God complete the process. I don't need to substitute losing a person with anyone or anything else but God. He will fill my void. He will restore everything I think I have lost. All I have to do is accept the uncomfortable. He made it clear today that He is always right here. That He will never leave me nor forsake me. I believe this is the reason many of us continue in the same cycles with certain issues we experience, because we never accept the uncomfortable. We want instant gratification all of the time. We don't want to hurt, we don't want to feel pain. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, as Paul was begging God to remove the thorn from his flesh, God said to him, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness". I'm weak! I need God's strength to sustain me and He needs for His glory to be revealed in me! This is the same case for all people of God. We are to be living witnesses of God's goodness. Our lives should reflect the Gospel of the Lord. Sometimes we are the only Bible a person is going to read and we should draw them to Christ through our own testimony.

Now all of this is easier said than done but I am a living witness because of my very own experience from this morning that God will show up when you need Him and give you exactly what you need. It may not always be what you want but it definitely fulfills the need you did not know of. So I charge you to accept the uncomfortable. Allow God to complete the process so that you can be whole and break the chain for the generations coming after you. I believe that God is really trying to break something through me and I have decided in my heart today that I will go through everything God needs me to in order to make me whole. So I bet you can guess the answer to yesterday's post...I'M MOVING ON because GREATER IS COMING!